The "Right" Way

I know I haven't posted in a long time. My emotions about this vary so much that I keep waiting for the right time to post, but I need to remember it's a process and I should just go with it. Some days I think I'm starting to "get over it" and feel some peace, but then other days something will just pop up and make me want to cry.

For example, we had a birthday part for Jakey a few weeks ago and my sister and I were talking about our babies (she had a baby a month ago) and I can't remember what exactly we were joking about but she said, "At least my baby came out the right way." I had to leave the room and go cry for a few minutes because the tone of her voice just hit me right where I hurt. I know she didn't mean it cruelly (and she did apologize), we were just joking about something and it was said offhand, without thought. It just hurts because it's true. My body failed and couldn't get my baby out the "right" way.

I was able to witness my sister's birth, the first I've ever witnessed that wasn't my own. She had planned to try going natural but ended up getting an epidural because her water broke and contractions were back to back (she went from 1cm-7cm in just a few hours, no wonder it hurt lol). Then her baby was posterior so she just got exhausted from pushing off and on for hours and decided to let them use forceps, so she ended up with an episiotomy and 4th degree tear. Her birth is not what I would want either, but I still envy her because I would have gladly taken that over another c/s. At least he came out the "right" way.

I don't want anyone to think I look down on all c-section births. Not at all. I wouldn't think of myself as better than someone in any way if I gave birth naturally compared to someone with a c/s. The only person this applies to is myself. I feel like a failure because I know I can give birth naturally, I have done it before, but even though I did everything I could to have the birth I wanted my baby didn't come out the "right" way.