The "Right" Way

I know I haven't posted in a long time. My emotions about this vary so much that I keep waiting for the right time to post, but I need to remember it's a process and I should just go with it. Some days I think I'm starting to "get over it" and feel some peace, but then other days something will just pop up and make me want to cry.

For example, we had a birthday part for Jakey a few weeks ago and my sister and I were talking about our babies (she had a baby a month ago) and I can't remember what exactly we were joking about but she said, "At least my baby came out the right way." I had to leave the room and go cry for a few minutes because the tone of her voice just hit me right where I hurt. I know she didn't mean it cruelly (and she did apologize), we were just joking about something and it was said offhand, without thought. It just hurts because it's true. My body failed and couldn't get my baby out the "right" way.

I was able to witness my sister's birth, the first I've ever witnessed that wasn't my own. She had planned to try going natural but ended up getting an epidural because her water broke and contractions were back to back (she went from 1cm-7cm in just a few hours, no wonder it hurt lol). Then her baby was posterior so she just got exhausted from pushing off and on for hours and decided to let them use forceps, so she ended up with an episiotomy and 4th degree tear. Her birth is not what I would want either, but I still envy her because I would have gladly taken that over another c/s. At least he came out the "right" way.

I don't want anyone to think I look down on all c-section births. Not at all. I wouldn't think of myself as better than someone in any way if I gave birth naturally compared to someone with a c/s. The only person this applies to is myself. I feel like a failure because I know I can give birth naturally, I have done it before, but even though I did everything I could to have the birth I wanted my baby didn't come out the "right" way.


krisbutikofer@gmail.com said...

I found your blog by way of a post you left about C-Sections at "Adventures in (Crunchy) Parenthood." I suppose that could be considered stalking, but I've been googling Utah and VBA2C like crazy, and there wasn't much information.

Anyway, I too have had a failed VBAC (a few weeks before yours, actually) and don't know what the future holds for subsequent births. My whole heart wishes for a VBA2C, but I'm not finding much hope with doctors in Utah that I speak to.

I hope that you're able to find peace with your C-Section. I feel silly saying this, but I haven't really found anyone dealing with the same things I am, so if you'd like to talk about anything or discuss anything, I certainly am willing to chat.

Best wishes!

Kara said...

Kristen- I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. I know what you mean about not having anyone to talk with about it. Nobody I know in real life understands how I feel about it. Have you ever gone to a local Ican meeting? I haven't since they are up in Kaysville and I babysit on those days, it's just not convenient. I'm hopeful that when the time comes for me to find an OB that they can help me find one who is supportive. It makes me so mad about the birthing climate in this country that we can't just choose to birth how we want without putting up a fight and so many women don't even know they have a choice.

Al said...

The point of childbirth is to bring a healthy, living vibrant child into this world, that is all. How it gets here is totally and completely unimportant. Does it matter that you get to church in a 1979 Toyota or a 2009 Ferrari? Nope, it just matters that you get there and give it your all. Same with babies, my girl.

There are so many people who try to do this
one-up thing with childbirth. But really we have to think WHY they are doing it. These are the kind of people who think that they are better because their house is bigger, their car is more expensive and their husband has a "better" calling. In reality, they just have more debt, worse gas mileage and they miss out on the smiles of the nursery kids when you teach them sleepy little bunnies for the first time.

IMO, I could care less how my babies came to this earth, I care that they are here and happy. If my sis in law wants to blah blah about her "natural" birth, I say go for it and enjoy the tearing down south. And if my sister wants to tell me about how her son very, very nearly died during birth, but how great she is to have done is "naturally", well, I pitty her to be honest.

We all say that we want the best for our kids, and here's to you for actually doing that. C/S was clearly the best choice for you and your babe, and me and mine and we did it for them to make sure they came out okay. If vaginal is the way to go for somebody else and the baby comes out healthy and happy then good for them.

I think that we, as LDS people, suffer from a bit of competition. I know, crazy, but true I think. Perhaps we have gone a little too far when we start competing about birthing styles.

But that's just my opinion.

Kara said...

Thank you. I agree that it is not a competition. A happy, healthy baby is what we want, but I don't agree with the statement "How it gets here is totally and completely unimportant." How a baby is born is extremely important. C-sections have more risks to mother and baby than a normal vaginal birth. Of course there are times that a c-section is necessary, and I am thankful that they are available when needed, but anyone has the right to be unhappy about things not turning out the way they expected, it doesn't change the fact that I am grateful for my healthy little boy. Also, c-sections present problems to future pregnancies as well including increased chance of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, hemmorage, placental problems, hysterectomy, and more. And the risks increase with each c-section. We plan to have a large family, but having multiple c-sections can interfere with that. So it's not so much that I am sad I had a c-section because I know it was the best choice at that time, but I am sad about how that affects my future children and births. And I have had a natural birth with the "tearing down south" and it was much easier to recover from than a c-section, I would take that again over my stomach being cut open again, though not at the expense of my baby. On that we can agree, the babies health is more important than the method of birth.

Al said...

I agree Kara, it can be a hinderence to having more children with the repeated scarring and tissue issues. However, to say that c/s are more dangerous is not at all accurate. It all depends on the circumstances. I have seen more than my share of vaginal births that go wrong and an equal amount of c/s that do the same.

But I respect you for your opinion. I think it takes a lot of courage to put your raw feelings out there, and I commend you.

Absolute best wishes for your future pregnancies, I truly hope that they turn out safely and how you would like them to.